Random Thoughts

My Thoughts...

I know that I probably think way too much but there are times that my mind just waunders...

While making the new slide show for Steve, my mind went back in time. It's sometimes very hard to look at those pictures. I miss him so very much and I don't think that will ever change. People don't realize that when you loose a spouse/soul mate to death that you don't just "get over them." You really never do. You can, in time, go on with your life but you never forget or stop thinking about what could have been and all the plans that were made and planned for the future...for us and for our children. Sometimes it's just so painful to think about the plans we had for the future and all the hopes and dreams we had for our children. I look at our wedding pictures and just remember how much in love we were...how much I was in love with him and couldn't wait to become his wife.

Our wedding day was so special. I remember walking out and seeing him at the altar and then walking toward him. Our eyes met and never let go of each other. It was as if it were only he and I in the church and I could not wait to meet him at the altar and take his hand in mine and become his wife. I was so excited to become his wife. It was such a happy day. I will never forget the look in his eyes as I walked down the aisle that day to become his wife. I have never seen so much love in my whole life. That look is captured in my soul forever and I will forever treasure that memory. I knew from that moment that we would be together forever...I mean I knew before when I accepted his marriage proposal...but at that moment in the church when our eyes met and I saw the look in his eyes...and the feeling I felt in my heart for him...I knew it would be forever. Little did I know that our marriage vows would come true..."till death do us part"...so soon in our marriage...just 12 years later.

Our marriage was so special. Yes, we fought...just like any married couple...but there was never a day that we didn't love each other with our whole hearts. I remember looking at him one day...when we had been married for 11 years...and thinking to myself..."God, I love that man so much." Our love only grew stronger as the years went on. I could not wait to see him come through the front door every day from work. Even after 11 years of marriage he still gave me goose bumps when he came home. I couldn't wait to be in his arms. I loved him so very much.

I hope that one day my children will experience that kind of love and that kind of marriage. Yes, we had our disagreements...and we were known as the "LOUD" family but even through our loudness and our arguments we still loved each other with all our heart and soul. There was never a day that we ever questioned our love for each other. Our love grew stronger as the years went on. Oh, I already said that...well, it's true.

Like I said, my mind sometimes waunders. My heart just breaks for my children because they lost their Dad so very young. I think that has been the hardest part of Steve's death for me. I loved him with all my heart and soul and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, and as much as I grieve the loss of my husband, I also grieve for the loss that my children have faced. They lost their Daddy at such a young age and that just breaks my heart into pieces every single day of my life. I hurt for them. I hurt for the memories that they will never have. I hurt because he will not be here for all the BIG memories...which are so many...driving, graduation, college, marriage and having our grandchildren...and so many other things that I cannot even imagine right now. I also hurt for them for the every day things that are missing out on. Yes, the BIG events will bring tears but sometimes I find myself crying for them because they are missing the every day events that their Dad would be involved in...homework, dinner, good night hugs, going to baseball games and football games, teaching them to drive, teaching them to shave...and when the time was right, for him to tell them about how we fell in love. They will never hear from him in his words abour OUR love story. That really hurts. More than anything, I want them to remember how much we loved each other...even through our disagreements...and I hope that they can find the kind of love we had together...the kind of love that when they are walking down that aisle to get married that they can't take their eyes off of "her" because they love her so very much and can't wait to become her husband. My wish is that they feel that kind of love and cherish it forever because it can be gone in an instant.

I cannot talk about my thoughts without talking about how much I love Tom. I love Tom with all my heart and soul. When Steve died I didn't want to ever be married again...nor did I even think it was a possibilty. I never even intended on dating again. The love of my life died and I was not ever going to find love and get married again. When I met Tom we became the best of friends and cried and comforted each other. He had lost his wife also so we knew what each other was feeling and going through. Through our friendship, a deep love grew. Tom and I fell in love knowing that there would probably always be four people in our love...meaning Steve and Serena...along with us. With both of us being widowed, we both knew that the love we shared with our late spouses would never be lost or forgotten. We have cried on each others shoulders and have wept in each others arms...too many times to count. We miss our late spouses with every heartbeat within us but we carry their memories and love for them in our hearts always and forever with us. The love that Tom and I share is a special love that not too many people have in this lifetime. We cherish every single moment together. We have learned a lot through the loss of our late spouses. We have learned to love each other like there is no tomorrow...because in our cases...our spouses were taken suddenly so we cherish every moment together. We are blessed beyond measure to have found true love twice in a lifetime. Neither one of us can ever take the place of Steve or Serena...nor would we even try...but we are blessed to have each other and to have the love we share together. We are truly blessed each and every day. We love each other uncondiontionally. We know there are going to be days that each of us will need extra comforting...or maybe even just to be left alone to think about our memories...such as on our anniversaries...such as mine...is next week...February 8th would have been mine and Steve's 16th wedding anniversary. I don't know if I will want Tom to comfort me or if I will want that time alone, but there is one thing I know...I know he will understand no matter which one I choose. Our love is a gift from God and I treasure it every day of my life.

These are just a few of my thoughts...

I loved Steve with all my heart and soul. He will forever be in my heart in his special place that is reserved just for him. Tom has another section of my heart that is just his and I pray to God that He (God) lets me fill that space with memories of Tom for the next 60 years of my life.
Jesus Take the Wheel....He has my life in His hands and I am trusting in Him ...ALWAYS. My faith in God is the ONLY thing has gotten me through my whole life...and I know He will never forsake me.

JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL...