Monday, February 18, 2008

Footprints

I had always loved the "Footprints" poem but it never meant more to me then it has over the past 4 years...especially on August 7 and 8th of 2003...and the many months that followed.

My husband of 12 years fell off a ladder on August 7th, 2003 and suffered massive brain injuries. On August 8th 2003 I had to make the decision to let the doctors remove him from life support. As I removed the wedding band from his swollen fingers; the wedding band that I had placed there 12 years earlier, tears streamed down my face and I felt like my whole life was shattered into pieces. The nurses wanted to remove his wedding band but I told them "No, I put it on him and I will be the one to remove it." I immediately placed it on a chain around my neck to keep him close to my heart.

My Darling Steven was gone...into God's loving arms. He was not mine to keep, but for God's to take and I was so thankful for the years that God lent him to me. I was blessed to be his wife and mother to his children. None the less, as much as I had/have faith in God, I was shattered to the core. "OUR" future dreams and plans were gone in an instant and I instantly became a single parent having to raise 3 young sons without their Daddy. My heart still breaks for them but that is another blog all in itself. It was during this time in my life that the poem "Footprints" was not just a poem, but it was my life in reality. There were so many minutes, hours, days and months that I literally leaned on God just to get through to the next breath that I took. People kept telling me how stong I was, but in reality, it was not me being strong, it was God carrying me every step of the way. They were not my footprints I was making during that time as my "new life" was being paved out in front of me, they were God's...as He held me in His loving arms and guided me ever so gently. There were times that I didn't think I would make it through my grief, and that is when I heard God's voice telling me that He would never let me down and would always be there for me...something I always knew but at this time in my life those words were loud and clear. Yes, He carried me in His loving arms and continues to do so because I still have days when I need to be carried. He is an Awesome God!!!

Forever in Our Hearts

The memories of Steve will forever be with us all in our hearts and souls. There is a special place that is just HIS that is tucked away in my heart and whenever I need him...I go there...and he's always there.

Today was Brandon's 14th birthday. I remember the day he was born so vividly. Steve was so very happy and so proud to become a Daddy again. He cried, just like he did when Cameron was born...he was so very happy. Such a proud Daddy. He kept looking at him and telling me how much he loved him.

It saddens me on days like these that he can't be here to hug and kiss his boys and tell them himself how much he loves them and tell them about the day they were born...in his own words. That's what hurts the most. They will never hear from him in HIS WORDS what their BIRTH DAY meant to HIM. He loved them so. He will forever be with them...and me...in our heart and soul.

I truly do believe that God has a plan and Steve is in God's loving arms...it's just days like these that I know that the boys want their Daddy here to hug and kiss them....but he can only do that from Heaven now...and from the Heart...which he will forever be...in our HEARTS FOREVER....

Happy Birthday Brandon...from Daddy...through Mommy. We both love you so much.

Being a Mom

There are moments in your life when you know just what you were put on this earth for...my most blessed life experiences was when I held my sons in my arms for the first time.

When I had Jeffrey, everyone else held him and saw him before me because I had a C-section...and I kept hearing how beautiful he was. When I finally held him in my arms...my first born...I just cried because he was so perfect and so beautiful...and he was...and I never knew that I could experience love like that before. I loved him so much that my heart just felt like it would explode. I never knew love like that before...when I looked in his eyes for the first time I knew what REAL love was all about...being a MOM. When he looked up at me I knew what I was put on this earth for...it was for him and his brothers that were to follow. He was my first blessing from God.

Cameron was born 3 1/2 years later. I loved Jeffrey so much and didn't know how I could love another baby as much as the first...BUT...my heart just seemed to get bigger because from the very first moment that I held him I was so in love. I will never forget that moment either...when I first held him and layed my eyes on him...I would have given my life for him because I loved him so. He was so precious...just as Jeffrey was. I just never thought my heart could love so much but it did. I remember coming home with Cameron and sitting in bed one night...just holding him my arms...he was about a week old...and I started crying. Steve asked me what was wrong...I told him..."Nothing is wrong, I just love him so much and I am so blessed."...I was meant to be a MOM.

Brandon was our surprise gift...like a present you didn't expect for Christmas but really wanted. Brandon was our early Christmas present...and one that we were so happy to open. He filled our hearts with more love...again...again...more than we ever knew possible. When I held him in my arms I just gazed into his eyes and told him how much I loved him and then held him so close and tight to my heart that I thought I would smother him...I just loved him so much.

My boys are so precious to me. I was meant to be a Mommy. There have been some trials that all of us have had to face but we have faced them together. As a mother, I wish that they didn't have to have the trials they have had in life but I hope that I have taught them that LOVE is what matters and that life always brings many emotions and changes...but what never changes is LOVE...and I will love them uncondtionally always until the day I join their Daddy in Heaven.

Being a Mom is what I was born for...I just love them so...my heart is filled and my cup runneth over....

Behind the Smile

Behind the smile is sadness.

Why is it that when we are sad we always cover it up with a smile and tell people all is fine when it isn't. I guess that's just the way we are. People don't want to hear the truth so we don't tell people the truth...when in reality...behind the smile is sadness, pain and disappointment.

Random Thoughts

My Thoughts...

I know that I probably think way too much but there are times that my mind just waunders...

While making the new slide show for Steve, my mind went back in time. It's sometimes very hard to look at those pictures. I miss him so very much and I don't think that will ever change. People don't realize that when you loose a spouse/soul mate to death that you don't just "get over them." You really never do. You can, in time, go on with your life but you never forget or stop thinking about what could have been and all the plans that were made and planned for the future...for us and for our children. Sometimes it's just so painful to think about the plans we had for the future and all the hopes and dreams we had for our children. I look at our wedding pictures and just remember how much in love we were...how much I was in love with him and couldn't wait to become his wife.

Our wedding day was so special. I remember walking out and seeing him at the altar and then walking toward him. Our eyes met and never let go of each other. It was as if it were only he and I in the church and I could not wait to meet him at the altar and take his hand in mine and become his wife. I was so excited to become his wife. It was such a happy day. I will never forget the look in his eyes as I walked down the aisle that day to become his wife. I have never seen so much love in my whole life. That look is captured in my soul forever and I will forever treasure that memory. I knew from that moment that we would be together forever...I mean I knew before when I accepted his marriage proposal...but at that moment in the church when our eyes met and I saw the look in his eyes...and the feeling I felt in my heart for him...I knew it would be forever. Little did I know that our marriage vows would come true..."till death do us part"...so soon in our marriage...just 12 years later.

Our marriage was so special. Yes, we fought...just like any married couple...but there was never a day that we didn't love each other with our whole hearts. I remember looking at him one day...when we had been married for 11 years...and thinking to myself..."God, I love that man so much." Our love only grew stronger as the years went on. I could not wait to see him come through the front door every day from work. Even after 11 years of marriage he still gave me goose bumps when he came home. I couldn't wait to be in his arms. I loved him so very much.

I hope that one day my children will experience that kind of love and that kind of marriage. Yes, we had our disagreements...and we were known as the "LOUD" family but even through our loudness and our arguments we still loved each other with all our heart and soul. There was never a day that we ever questioned our love for each other. Our love grew stronger as the years went on. Oh, I already said that...well, it's true.

Like I said, my mind sometimes waunders. My heart just breaks for my children because they lost their Dad so very young. I think that has been the hardest part of Steve's death for me. I loved him with all my heart and soul and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, and as much as I grieve the loss of my husband, I also grieve for the loss that my children have faced. They lost their Daddy at such a young age and that just breaks my heart into pieces every single day of my life. I hurt for them. I hurt for the memories that they will never have. I hurt because he will not be here for all the BIG memories...which are so many...driving, graduation, college, marriage and having our grandchildren...and so many other things that I cannot even imagine right now. I also hurt for them for the every day things that are missing out on. Yes, the BIG events will bring tears but sometimes I find myself crying for them because they are missing the every day events that their Dad would be involved in...homework, dinner, good night hugs, going to baseball games and football games, teaching them to drive, teaching them to shave...and when the time was right, for him to tell them about how we fell in love. They will never hear from him in his words abour OUR love story. That really hurts. More than anything, I want them to remember how much we loved each other...even through our disagreements...and I hope that they can find the kind of love we had together...the kind of love that when they are walking down that aisle to get married that they can't take their eyes off of "her" because they love her so very much and can't wait to become her husband. My wish is that they feel that kind of love and cherish it forever because it can be gone in an instant.

I cannot talk about my thoughts without talking about how much I love Tom. I love Tom with all my heart and soul. When Steve died I didn't want to ever be married again...nor did I even think it was a possibilty. I never even intended on dating again. The love of my life died and I was not ever going to find love and get married again. When I met Tom we became the best of friends and cried and comforted each other. He had lost his wife also so we knew what each other was feeling and going through. Through our friendship, a deep love grew. Tom and I fell in love knowing that there would probably always be four people in our love...meaning Steve and Serena...along with us. With both of us being widowed, we both knew that the love we shared with our late spouses would never be lost or forgotten. We have cried on each others shoulders and have wept in each others arms...too many times to count. We miss our late spouses with every heartbeat within us but we carry their memories and love for them in our hearts always and forever with us. The love that Tom and I share is a special love that not too many people have in this lifetime. We cherish every single moment together. We have learned a lot through the loss of our late spouses. We have learned to love each other like there is no tomorrow...because in our cases...our spouses were taken suddenly so we cherish every moment together. We are blessed beyond measure to have found true love twice in a lifetime. Neither one of us can ever take the place of Steve or Serena...nor would we even try...but we are blessed to have each other and to have the love we share together. We are truly blessed each and every day. We love each other uncondiontionally. We know there are going to be days that each of us will need extra comforting...or maybe even just to be left alone to think about our memories...such as on our anniversaries...such as mine...is next week...February 8th would have been mine and Steve's 16th wedding anniversary. I don't know if I will want Tom to comfort me or if I will want that time alone, but there is one thing I know...I know he will understand no matter which one I choose. Our love is a gift from God and I treasure it every day of my life.

These are just a few of my thoughts...

I loved Steve with all my heart and soul. He will forever be in my heart in his special place that is reserved just for him. Tom has another section of my heart that is just his and I pray to God that He (God) lets me fill that space with memories of Tom for the next 60 years of my life.
Jesus Take the Wheel....He has my life in His hands and I am trusting in Him ...ALWAYS. My faith in God is the ONLY thing has gotten me through my whole life...and I know He will never forsake me.

JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL...

Happy Anniversary to My Husband in Heaven

Happy Anniversary Honey...

Today would have been our 16th wedding anniversary. We only had a chance to celebrate 11 years...almost made it to 12. We had such plans for our 15th anniversary. We were planning on renewing our vows...in the mountains, in the snow, in Gatlinburg, TN...where we spent most of our honeymoon. Well, last year I didn't even get out of bed the whole day...but in my mind I was in Gatlinburg with you and our family and special friends renewing our vows. When I closed my eyes I could see us standing there with our boys beside us as we told each other how much we loved each other. I pictured them looking at us and hoping to one day have a marriage like ours...

Well, today is/would have been 16 years for us Honey. I miss you with every breath I take...especially on days like this. I know I would have received roses at the door and a special card with a love letter just from you. You would have left me little messages all over the house...and in the car...like you always did. But, I think you did leave me a message...and I thank you...and I love you...still...forever and for always.

Today as I reflect, the thing that stands out the most is the love that was felt on our wedding day. I never had any doubts. I was never so sure about something in my whole life. As I walked down the aisle to become your wife, there was not a doubt in my mind that we were meant to be. I remember us grabbing each others' hand and just holding on tightly...as we gazed into each others eyes, we turned to face the preacher...and with a tug of the hand for each of us...as if to say..."I love you and I'm so happy"...that's what our hands said to each other...and our hearts too. I just so vividy remember our hands grasping together...and we never let go of each other through the whole service. We were ONE even before our vows were spoken.
I remember the look on your face after we were married. You were so happy...and so was I. You told me you wanted to skip the reception and get right to the honeymoon...lol. At the reception, as we slow danced, you wanted to leave and get to the honeymoon...lol. We finally did get to the honeymoon!!!

Every year that passed I only loved you more. I never felt that way about anyone before. I couldn't wait to become your wife and I couldn't wait for each year to celebrate being your wife. As I look back today, there are tears that flow because we had so many dreams that were left unfulfilled, but I smile too because we did have 11 wonderful years together; you gave me two wonderful sons that when I look at them I see you. You also left me Jeffrey, who was your stepson, but he was your son. He reminds me of you so very much. He has your mannerisms and your thought process. So, you see, I do still have you here with me. I have all three of your sons here with me and when I miss you the most I can go to them and hug them and get a feeling of you because you run through them in their veins. I will forever be grateful for the treasures you left me.

I guess through all this jumbled up mess of a blog...what I am trying to say is that I Love You and I wish you a Happy Anniversary. I miss you and I loved being your wife...it was an honor...and I will see you again in Heaven. I know you will greet me with your arms wide open and we can celebrate then...until then my love...I will always love you...

Love,
Your Wife

Anniversary Message From Heaven

Steve’s Anniversary Message To Me...

Today, February 8, 2008, Steve and I would have been married for 16 years. When I logged into my Daily Bible Verse today it read:

Proverbs 31:10 10" A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies."

That gave me chills because I was asking for a sign from him all day and when I logged in it just so happened that my bible verse today was about a "wife"...and when I read further into Proverbs this was the message...

11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. 12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. 13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. 14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. 15 She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. 16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. 18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. 19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. 20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. 21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. 22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. 26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

I feel I have been blessed by a personal message from Steve. I mean, what are the odds of the daily verse today to be what it was? I know he is still with me and still celebrating with me, our years together...

I would like to know opinions on this...

I don't believe in coincendense. I think he was telling me he is proud of me and telling me Happy Anniversary in his own way.